New Hobbies

Once upon a time I moved back to Redlands. Moved is a gracious word, it's more like I fell back home. Stumble, fall, flat. Laying on my back I look up and see my life. You, I'm sure, have seen your life from a fallen position. The distortion of having everything growing in the wrong direction makes the word seem surreal and often much more appealing. Despite this seeing myself, poor, out of work, a near criminal offender and in the same four foot by four foot room I was in when I was 15 still didn't look too appealing.

But that was totally 7 months ago.

I'm almost 21, I play with Children all day long and I am going in for my second dental cleaning at home. Yep, my teeth are getting the proper care they require, sort of.

I have strange ambitions with this new life. I wish to kiss a baby at least once a day. I lay awake at night dreaming of the fan mail I will send YouTube personalities. And I relish going to the movies when there is no one else in the theater. Did you know dancing to Footloose was way more fun when it's on the big screen and you can jump off the stairs?

Consequently I have made up a list consisting of pictures and links of things that I love nowadays. Feel free to enjoy and love as I do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8nZyinhv18

WeezyWaiter: Youtube Star!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxXWG1TR2RQ&list=UUVJK2AT3ea5RTXNRjX_kz8A&index=6&feature=plcp

Tobuscus: Youtube Ex-boyfriend

Baby Theo! Julie's baby!

Following Zachary Levi on Twitter...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCBTj1RIcTI

Making My own YouTube videos (ps more to come)

Dressing like a Ghost at Disneyland!

Writing and Producing a show with friends!

And so much more!

COLD FEET

ACT I

Scene 1

Lights go slowly up as a man dressed in a Tuxedo runs to the middle of the set from stage right. An open black Coffin is upstage center and two pews are facing upstage on either side of the coffin. The coffin is plain yet elegant. It is painted in gold and opens from the middle. It has an obvious copper latch that locks the coffin from downstage. The pews have soft seats and bright colors like green or tan.

Chuck-

Oh man oh man oh man. Why did she have to tell me that half an hour before the "I do's?" I just can't believe they'd do that. This is terrible. I can't believe my fiancee would cheat. (to casket) can you believe it. I went to the brides room too confront her and BANG! my best-mans got her in some sort of yoga position... (shivers) How could things get worse? This creepy back room with a coffin in it is sure to help calm my nerves. Crap this whole church is creepy, it's a wonder I didn't have a nervous breakdown as soon as they put this tie around my neck! You probably felt like you were marrying your mother in law too! I mean it is her wedding! I just wanted a nice peaceful ceremony, and a faithful wife would have been a bonus...I guess I don't have it as bad as you do, though? You're an old stiff. When I'm in the ground I hope people say, "That Chuck was a handsome looking corpse" You're not too bad for an old guy. I actually kinda like you. Oh man here comes that bridesmaid! Let me in!

PressilaA -

(enters stage right)

Where is that hunk of a man!? Oh look a dead body, I just love dead bodies they remind me of my daddy. (peeks inside and closes the lid violently) It can't be! (repeats action) It CAN'T BE!

(Priest walks in upstage right singing a little song)

Pressilaa -

Father! When did it happen?!

Priest -

It? (priest gets up real close to Pressilaa to see her face but shies away as soon as he gets close enough)

Pressilaa -

I mean when did he die?

Priest -

Oh this is one of the fastest burials we've ever done. I like to get them right in the ground.

PressilaA -

But how did he die?

Priest -

I seem to remember it was something about bad news...

PressilaA -

Oh?

Priest -

And his wife..

PressilaA -

Oh?

Priest -

Then he just hit a wall.

PressilaA -

OH NO! (opens casket) A wall killed this lovely man.

Priest -

(looks in the casket) Wow they made him up real good! (exits stage right)

Bridesmaid -

(picks his head up out of casket)

Why why you beautiful man why did I have to tell you?

James & Mother in Law -

(enter stage right followed a few paces behind by Bride)

We lost the groom! Pressilaa Chuck is...

(bride walks in faints just as she stops)

JAMES -

What happened!

PressilaA -

He hit a wall

Bride -

He did like his walls!

Mother in Law -

He can't be dead he can't be (she makes sexual advance, when he does not react) He must be.

BRIDE -

He did like his women!(getting more hysterical with every phrase)

(James comforts he in what could seem like a romantic way)

JAMES -

What a horrible tragedy!

MOTHER IN LAW -

Maybe we should have the funeral while we're all dressed!

(Priest enters upstage right)

JAMES -

May we hold his service now?

Priest -

The sooner the better I guess, that smell should be put under ground.I'll go get the old man his stuff.

BRIDE -

(as priest exists stage left) He's not that old! But he did like his smells...

Mother in LAw -

I'll open. (room bows heads, Chuck slowly opens casket to try to escape) We gather here today Lord to morn the loss of something truly great. A wedding. No one will know how long I slaved over my only daughters reception, because it will never be. All because Lord you decided to take a sexy man from this earth before his time. But Heaven knows how he really died because none of us trust that no account Pressilaa...

CHUCK –

Amen!(as he is trying to get out)

MOTHER IN LAW -

(continues)Lord forgive Pressilaa for eating too much sample wedding cake and my daughter for choosing the wrong man. As she obviously did because this man is dead. Even though his best friend James (she opens her eyes to look at James, Chuck falls into casket and groans with pain) Say hello to God James. (James waves in a heavenly direction, she closes her eyes again) his best friend James always treated him with such tenderness and always baked cookies. This man obviously didn't appreciate what he had so forgive him as worms eat his flesh in the ground. Amen (Room, Amen, casket closes) There wasn't that nice? (MOTHER suggests the plant come up on stage, priest enters again with wedding things in one hand, then realizes a funeral and switches hands to funeral things, plant sits back down in audience, JAMES stands)

James -

(hits casket throughout)Thanks for that Honey, I just wanted to say, oh this is hard. I would always be there for you. Even if you had gotten married. Boy am I glad you didn't get married to her (winks at BRIDE) I was your best man in your wedding and I'm going to be your best friend in Buddha heaven! I loved you, and I loved your fiance', and I loved you!(starts to cry) I'm sorry I can't do this. Let's just have a moment of silence. (He sits down, everyone bows head, casket opens, reaction to being hit)

PRIEST -

(locking casket)

Wouldn't want anyone climbing in! (laughs to himself, Groom freaks out)

BRIDE -

(stands in place addressing room)

He did like his moments of silence but...

PressilaA -

(interrupts, stand up) I can't hold it in any longer, I killed this man! (bride faints, room gasps)

PRIEST -

(enters with box)

No!

PressilaA -

I told him something he needed to know and that forced him to go running into walls!

MOTHER IN LAW -

What did you say!

PressilaA -

Don't blame me! I just told him that he was cheating with her!

BRIDE -

No such thing!

MOTHER IN LAW -

you wouldn't!

Pressilaa-

She would!

PRIEST -

You go man!

MOTHER IN LAW -

(becomes hysterical)

And ruin my big day! It's one thing to have a dead son in law but quite another to have hussy in the family!

BRIDE -

We didn't, we didn't cheat!

PRIEST -

Don't think so...

PressilaA -

You must have!

MOTHER IN LAW -

Prove it! How would anyone really know what you would do!

JAMES -

I know because I'm GAY!

(room is shocked, a loud bonk comes from the locked casket, room notices and everyone goes quiet)

MOTHER IN LAW -

(sitting)

Oh that's fine.

JAMES -

Don't look so shocked, I am the most normal of all of you people. Gosh!

BRIDE -

(standing solemnly)

Well, lie's and jealousy were part of his death. But they would not have been a part of our marriage, he liked many things, but he loved me. Despite everything going on around us. And I still love him, despite his being dead. Goodbye my sweet Chuck.

(opens casket lid to kiss him)

Do corpses bleed?

PRIEST -

Finally I found his picture!

(pulls out picture of old man)

James -

That's not him!

MOTHER IN LAW -

That's an old man!

Priest -

Ooh and I found my glasses! Oh and I found the groom! And the wedding party! Someone help me get him out. You would not believe how many grooms end up in these things!

(Best man and Priest remove him and set him in a chair, bride sits next to him)

Bartholomew you've had quite an adventure today.(laughs softly)

James -

I can't believe it your alive! Chuck you're alive! (kisses Chuck just as he wakes up)

Chuck-

Dude get off me. (laughs)

JAMES -

Sorry, sorry.

(Awkward…)

Pressilaa-

You mean he hid in there! I didn't kill him, I didn't kill you! Father, is it a sin to accidentally think you killed someone! No, NO it's not! Because you told me he was dead!. Hey you told me he was dead!

PRIEST -

Bartholomew died (checks notes in the box he has) when his wife decided 93 was the right age to live with the other old folks. The old man thought kissing his wife in public everyday would kill him and sure enough three days later he had bought this coffin, then 6 months later he stubbornly died sky diving.

PressilaA -

He didn't hit a wall until he hit the ground isn't that great!?

CHUCK-

No, wonder he was so flat...

PressilaA -

I could just!..(kisses Chuck, Mother pulls her off)

MOTHER IN LAW -

Everyone gets to fulfill their fantasies. What about me!? (runs toward Chuck but then past him as she jumps into Priests arms) Father take me! To a wedding!(they exit right)

BRIDE -

I was thinking everyone gets to be happy except you were in a coffin with a poor flat old man...

James-

Look man I don’t know why you hid in a coffin but I know a thing or two about hiding, and if that cut(cut on Chucks head) shows you anything it's that hiding from your feelings hurts. So I'm not just going to bake cookies I'm going to do what something from my heart! I'm going to make Peanut Butter Chocolate chip cookies for everyone !

(Pressilaa runs into arms in gratitude)

BRIDE -

And Chuck you do like cookies.

PressilaA -

Who needs a man when you can have baked goods!

JAMES -

Amen sistah!

(as James and Bridesmaid exit right)

PressilaA -

I love gay men they remind me of my daddy!

(bride tries to kiss Chuck during this line but he is distracted)

BRIDE -

Why does everyone get to kiss you but me!(groom gets a headache)oh, oh I didn't mean for our wedding day to kill you! I know you're scared, you should go keep kissing girls. I can wait until you're good and old and don't have any more life to live.

Chuck –

This morning I thought our wedding was the end of my life with the cake and the bridesmaid and ever being able to flirt ever again! Our wedding may kill me, but our marriage is what is going to bring me comfort. Let me introduce you to my friend. He died and was still able to show me how important it is to live your life. When I die I hope people say that man sure knew how to live his life and he lived because of his best friend.

Mother in law-

(from offstage)

Come in here! we still have my wedding!

CHUCK-

And not with her mother.

(bride and groom kiss while laughing.)

A slow decent into Swagger-less...ness

It has come to my attention that as I grow older I am beginning to lose track of where my feet are going. This is not because I am growing taller or even because my nose is sticking higher in the air but because I am growing wider. And, like a pregnant woman as my belly becomes larger I feel more wise as I become more wide. Wisdom, age, and thickness all equal one inescapable fact. I am no longer date-able.

I'm writing a blog about it to let the world know that I am far to grown-up to take offence at this fact. Wisdom being the only trait that I am able to admit to willingly it is also the only reason I will say is allowed to revoke my extreme date-ability. Some may say it is because I have become less pompous, but I cannot say that I know this is a fact. I am the only one who has my head on my shoulders and will therefore be the only one to measure it. Some may say it is because I am focusing more on my skills. Also I beg to differ, as the owner of my hands I know where their callus's are coming from and I say that their sources can in no way be called skill.

As my body parts distract me from my daily doings I am losing my swagger and gaining my destiny. It seems that keeping track of where I have been was keeping me from where I was going. But along this road I cannot shake my hips and keep my balance...oh the tragedies.

So about Popcorn Haters

I have never once met a person that has ever had a legitimate reason for hating the things that I love. Then again I have never met a person with a legitimate reason to love the things I hate. I'm open minded that way. Because of the absolute validity of each of my extreme and irreversible opinions I often, and seldom chose my opinions non consequentially. For instance, I love Sandwiches, and I hate pickles, except when they are on sandwiches. And there is no substitution to this rule. There will be no rule as silly nor as highly important to my lunch ever again in the course of my life.

There was a time when someone challenged the absolute solidarity of such choices in my life. I was a freshmen and was still looking up to my older friends as role models for life. Emilia had once loved the way I loved. Yes, we both ate popcorn on a daily basis. But then I had my very first heartbreak in all my fourteen years. She told me Popcorn would one day be boring. That Horrid word is hardly mentionable but to say it of my dear sweet popcorn is cruel and hurtful. So I decided on that day that Popcorn would never no never leave my good graces, no matter the circumstance.

This has proven to be a difficult life devoted to a snacky treat. I have endured many burnt kernels and walked many a cold night just to find a working microwave. Flossing has become my greatest companion and a disdain for that certain sophomore role model has grown with each passing year. My love remains.

My OTHER condition has generated quite a few enemies in this regard. Besides Emilia I have also lost a number of female friends to the love for popcorn. All have been worthy losses. You see none of my friends have ever been quite as buttery.

And So it begins, and So it ends

There seems to be a point in my life where I allow everything to fall apart. I have just finished celebrating several small victories but have just discovered that the immediate need for rather big accomplishments is looming and kind of imposable. I need to write a ten page paper with opinions I don't have with skill I don't have while accepting the fact that the Boy friend I only kind of liked is dating somebody else and that it hurts for no reason other than my selfishness. Then of coarse I need to accomplish all these goals that make me feel like I will be worth something.

Obviously all I want to do is be melodramatic. Be a viking! Tell the world my tale! But no. Many of my battles are now private. Not that I don't still share. I do. People deserve to see me be me, instead of see me be a bedroom moper. But I have seen how this ends far too often for me to let anyone know that it is beginning. I'm going to create all kinds of goals that will pull me out of this feeling of loneliness. And once I fail I will revert to an age old technique. Step one, eat. Step two, drink. Step three be merry. And Tomorrow be sure you die.

Note to Self

I declared myself a writer at age five when I discovered that a by-line was one of the most effective ways to get attention that I had ever before achieved. I then began to discover as I grew up that “writer” was also far more interesting than doctor, lawyer or candlestick maker; that also was a plus to this decision. When people would ask me what I would write I would answer something silly, something equally as different, so that I may receive the same reaction. It was not until much later that these attributes that made me foolishly choose my course in life were befitting a writer; in fact writer just seemed to be befitting of me. But the truth of the matter remained; I simply had not yet had anything to write about. They say write what you know, the more interesting writers council to write about your adventures.

Putting off any writing that might affect my future I went forth and began what I believed might be my very first adventure. I came out the other side and sat down in the figurative dirt road and wept. In all reality it was my pink polka dot bed, and I hadn’t really come out of the Jungle, lost any tragic love, or saved the children of some forgotten land. Adventure does not come in that way though, not for most that is. There are those few that have that benefit, that way to “really experience life,” but that is not what most of us call life, no, we call that adventure. People who desire the discovering of Atlantis and the theft of some hidden art piece fail to recognize the moments they have where they sit down on the dirt road and weep.

No, no, my excuse to not write because I am awaiting something to write about is now most certainly invalid. Life is the great adventure that we all face, and I must reveal this. A pirate who is hung can draw parallels with a thirty-year-old man who overcame his past and still…still must pay. So if being dragged through Hell, abducted by bandits, inserting yourself with a substance that turns you into a monster and finally building a house of gold is not proof of where real adventure lies I begin, from this day onward, to challenge that disbelief. I will write what I know and all that I know.

Mini-analogy

I had a magnificent opportunity recently go enjoy a roller coaster ride. Now normally, I'm afraid of roller coaster rides. And after a certain age, nuh uh, there is no way you are getting me on one I have never ridden before. So let's use logic. We know this ride would not be blog worthy if I had ridden it before. And I just contradict myself.

I did get on the ride, a stranger peer pressured me. Most of the ride I was closing my eyes just as tightly as I was screaming, sometimes thinking that I sounded like a man. I could just see it. My friend standing at the exit smiling his cocky little smile and laughing his cocky little laugh. Exempting yourself from a half flipped free falling loop-dee loop was not my idea of friendship. After my ears stopped ringing I hear the manly scream again, but my mouth was closed. I was not ridding this baby alone.

I looked over and saw him just before the final drop, he gave me a smile and lifted his hands above his head and looked straight down. As we plunged to near death I found myself waving my hands in the air laughing myself silly.

The cars pulled up to the loading station slowly. The man who had sat with me squeezed my hand and asked in a hoarse voice "Wasn't that fun?" We jerked to a stop and the harnesses came up. I pondered this question, then I pondered the conveniently placed barf bag at my side. he took my hand and lifted me out of my seat. "Well, I had fun." he said as he kissed my forehead.

The ride was over, I had made it out alive, which is always a plus, and according to my rules now I could ride it again, if I ever had the inkling to completely incapacitate myself again. Despite that, I still hadn't answered the question. I thought about it all, every head bob, every speed jump and all those times my stomach hit my brain. The stranger was walking away. I had to yell, my ears were still ringing. "HEY GUY!" He turned around, cocking one eyebrow. "THANKS FOR GOIN' WITH ME, TURNS OUT, I HAD FUN!"

So yes, the workers were really mad that I yelled, and the next costumers stopped mid-entrance, but heck who cares. The ride was over, and not even a pimpled boy in a stripped vest calling security to drag me out of that ride without the fond knowledge, that I can ride that ride again some-day.