COLD FEET

ACT I

Scene 1

Lights go slowly up as a man dressed in a Tuxedo runs to the middle of the set from stage right. An open black Coffin is upstage center and two pews are facing upstage on either side of the coffin. The coffin is plain yet elegant. It is painted in gold and opens from the middle. It has an obvious copper latch that locks the coffin from downstage. The pews have soft seats and bright colors like green or tan.

Chuck-

Oh man oh man oh man. Why did she have to tell me that half an hour before the "I do's?" I just can't believe they'd do that. This is terrible. I can't believe my fiancee would cheat. (to casket) can you believe it. I went to the brides room too confront her and BANG! my best-mans got her in some sort of yoga position... (shivers) How could things get worse? This creepy back room with a coffin in it is sure to help calm my nerves. Crap this whole church is creepy, it's a wonder I didn't have a nervous breakdown as soon as they put this tie around my neck! You probably felt like you were marrying your mother in law too! I mean it is her wedding! I just wanted a nice peaceful ceremony, and a faithful wife would have been a bonus...I guess I don't have it as bad as you do, though? You're an old stiff. When I'm in the ground I hope people say, "That Chuck was a handsome looking corpse" You're not too bad for an old guy. I actually kinda like you. Oh man here comes that bridesmaid! Let me in!

PressilaA -

(enters stage right)

Where is that hunk of a man!? Oh look a dead body, I just love dead bodies they remind me of my daddy. (peeks inside and closes the lid violently) It can't be! (repeats action) It CAN'T BE!

(Priest walks in upstage right singing a little song)

Pressilaa -

Father! When did it happen?!

Priest -

It? (priest gets up real close to Pressilaa to see her face but shies away as soon as he gets close enough)

Pressilaa -

I mean when did he die?

Priest -

Oh this is one of the fastest burials we've ever done. I like to get them right in the ground.

PressilaA -

But how did he die?

Priest -

I seem to remember it was something about bad news...

PressilaA -

Oh?

Priest -

And his wife..

PressilaA -

Oh?

Priest -

Then he just hit a wall.

PressilaA -

OH NO! (opens casket) A wall killed this lovely man.

Priest -

(looks in the casket) Wow they made him up real good! (exits stage right)

Bridesmaid -

(picks his head up out of casket)

Why why you beautiful man why did I have to tell you?

James & Mother in Law -

(enter stage right followed a few paces behind by Bride)

We lost the groom! Pressilaa Chuck is...

(bride walks in faints just as she stops)

JAMES -

What happened!

PressilaA -

He hit a wall

Bride -

He did like his walls!

Mother in Law -

He can't be dead he can't be (she makes sexual advance, when he does not react) He must be.

BRIDE -

He did like his women!(getting more hysterical with every phrase)

(James comforts he in what could seem like a romantic way)

JAMES -

What a horrible tragedy!

MOTHER IN LAW -

Maybe we should have the funeral while we're all dressed!

(Priest enters upstage right)

JAMES -

May we hold his service now?

Priest -

The sooner the better I guess, that smell should be put under ground.I'll go get the old man his stuff.

BRIDE -

(as priest exists stage left) He's not that old! But he did like his smells...

Mother in LAw -

I'll open. (room bows heads, Chuck slowly opens casket to try to escape) We gather here today Lord to morn the loss of something truly great. A wedding. No one will know how long I slaved over my only daughters reception, because it will never be. All because Lord you decided to take a sexy man from this earth before his time. But Heaven knows how he really died because none of us trust that no account Pressilaa...

CHUCK –

Amen!(as he is trying to get out)

MOTHER IN LAW -

(continues)Lord forgive Pressilaa for eating too much sample wedding cake and my daughter for choosing the wrong man. As she obviously did because this man is dead. Even though his best friend James (she opens her eyes to look at James, Chuck falls into casket and groans with pain) Say hello to God James. (James waves in a heavenly direction, she closes her eyes again) his best friend James always treated him with such tenderness and always baked cookies. This man obviously didn't appreciate what he had so forgive him as worms eat his flesh in the ground. Amen (Room, Amen, casket closes) There wasn't that nice? (MOTHER suggests the plant come up on stage, priest enters again with wedding things in one hand, then realizes a funeral and switches hands to funeral things, plant sits back down in audience, JAMES stands)

James -

(hits casket throughout)Thanks for that Honey, I just wanted to say, oh this is hard. I would always be there for you. Even if you had gotten married. Boy am I glad you didn't get married to her (winks at BRIDE) I was your best man in your wedding and I'm going to be your best friend in Buddha heaven! I loved you, and I loved your fiance', and I loved you!(starts to cry) I'm sorry I can't do this. Let's just have a moment of silence. (He sits down, everyone bows head, casket opens, reaction to being hit)

PRIEST -

(locking casket)

Wouldn't want anyone climbing in! (laughs to himself, Groom freaks out)

BRIDE -

(stands in place addressing room)

He did like his moments of silence but...

PressilaA -

(interrupts, stand up) I can't hold it in any longer, I killed this man! (bride faints, room gasps)

PRIEST -

(enters with box)

No!

PressilaA -

I told him something he needed to know and that forced him to go running into walls!

MOTHER IN LAW -

What did you say!

PressilaA -

Don't blame me! I just told him that he was cheating with her!

BRIDE -

No such thing!

MOTHER IN LAW -

you wouldn't!

Pressilaa-

She would!

PRIEST -

You go man!

MOTHER IN LAW -

(becomes hysterical)

And ruin my big day! It's one thing to have a dead son in law but quite another to have hussy in the family!

BRIDE -

We didn't, we didn't cheat!

PRIEST -

Don't think so...

PressilaA -

You must have!

MOTHER IN LAW -

Prove it! How would anyone really know what you would do!

JAMES -

I know because I'm GAY!

(room is shocked, a loud bonk comes from the locked casket, room notices and everyone goes quiet)

MOTHER IN LAW -

(sitting)

Oh that's fine.

JAMES -

Don't look so shocked, I am the most normal of all of you people. Gosh!

BRIDE -

(standing solemnly)

Well, lie's and jealousy were part of his death. But they would not have been a part of our marriage, he liked many things, but he loved me. Despite everything going on around us. And I still love him, despite his being dead. Goodbye my sweet Chuck.

(opens casket lid to kiss him)

Do corpses bleed?

PRIEST -

Finally I found his picture!

(pulls out picture of old man)

James -

That's not him!

MOTHER IN LAW -

That's an old man!

Priest -

Ooh and I found my glasses! Oh and I found the groom! And the wedding party! Someone help me get him out. You would not believe how many grooms end up in these things!

(Best man and Priest remove him and set him in a chair, bride sits next to him)

Bartholomew you've had quite an adventure today.(laughs softly)

James -

I can't believe it your alive! Chuck you're alive! (kisses Chuck just as he wakes up)

Chuck-

Dude get off me. (laughs)

JAMES -

Sorry, sorry.

(Awkward…)

Pressilaa-

You mean he hid in there! I didn't kill him, I didn't kill you! Father, is it a sin to accidentally think you killed someone! No, NO it's not! Because you told me he was dead!. Hey you told me he was dead!

PRIEST -

Bartholomew died (checks notes in the box he has) when his wife decided 93 was the right age to live with the other old folks. The old man thought kissing his wife in public everyday would kill him and sure enough three days later he had bought this coffin, then 6 months later he stubbornly died sky diving.

PressilaA -

He didn't hit a wall until he hit the ground isn't that great!?

CHUCK-

No, wonder he was so flat...

PressilaA -

I could just!..(kisses Chuck, Mother pulls her off)

MOTHER IN LAW -

Everyone gets to fulfill their fantasies. What about me!? (runs toward Chuck but then past him as she jumps into Priests arms) Father take me! To a wedding!(they exit right)

BRIDE -

I was thinking everyone gets to be happy except you were in a coffin with a poor flat old man...

James-

Look man I don’t know why you hid in a coffin but I know a thing or two about hiding, and if that cut(cut on Chucks head) shows you anything it's that hiding from your feelings hurts. So I'm not just going to bake cookies I'm going to do what something from my heart! I'm going to make Peanut Butter Chocolate chip cookies for everyone !

(Pressilaa runs into arms in gratitude)

BRIDE -

And Chuck you do like cookies.

PressilaA -

Who needs a man when you can have baked goods!

JAMES -

Amen sistah!

(as James and Bridesmaid exit right)

PressilaA -

I love gay men they remind me of my daddy!

(bride tries to kiss Chuck during this line but he is distracted)

BRIDE -

Why does everyone get to kiss you but me!(groom gets a headache)oh, oh I didn't mean for our wedding day to kill you! I know you're scared, you should go keep kissing girls. I can wait until you're good and old and don't have any more life to live.

Chuck –

This morning I thought our wedding was the end of my life with the cake and the bridesmaid and ever being able to flirt ever again! Our wedding may kill me, but our marriage is what is going to bring me comfort. Let me introduce you to my friend. He died and was still able to show me how important it is to live your life. When I die I hope people say that man sure knew how to live his life and he lived because of his best friend.

Mother in law-

(from offstage)

Come in here! we still have my wedding!

CHUCK-

And not with her mother.

(bride and groom kiss while laughing.)